Who doesn’t like to brag about their child. When you’re standing around at your fancy high class champagne/hors d’oeuvre party you like go on about how the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and that you’re a very smart tree. And when you have to check in with your aging parents to ensure your inheritance of course you want to tell them how well little Lawrence or Shareesha is doing in school. But not so fast! You may be spreading lies from the depths of Hades. It is near impossible to tell how well your child is really doing at the day prison we like to call ‘school’, until now. The staff at The Releventist have come up with 10 tell tale signs your child is actually a huge disappointment and failing their classes at school.
They Are At Least Six Years Older Than Their Classmates
Take a look at the most recent class photo. Do you see anything that stands out in that photo? Is that thing your child? If your thing is a good foot taller than all the other things it might be a medical issue resulting in teasing by classmates and ending in a dead-end career at the NBA or more likely your child has been held back because of poor academic performance for more years than The Big Bang Theory has been on tv. If your child has had the same teacher for more than one year, this might be a sign as well.
They Bought a Leather Jacket and Started Hanging Out With the Wrong Crowd
If you’ve never seen Rebel Without A Cause then I will save you the time. It’s about a bunch of street tuffs that buy leather jackets and drop out of school. Students have been imitating this satirical behavior, usually on a dare, ever since this motion picture came out some time during the 1900’s. According to a recent researching at TheReleventist the only students who accept this dare are ones who are failing their classes at school and have nothing to lose.
They Fall Asleep During Their Night Shift At the Factory
Most kids are cranky in the morning. If your child isn’t cranky that means they are getting sleep. And the only way they could possibly be getting that much sleep is at night, when they should be working. Dr. Moops once said “A sleeping child is a lazy child.” And that means your lazy child, who isn’t doing their work while on the job, most definitely won’t be doing their work at school. Keep a watchful eye out to see how well rested your child is.
They Drink Paint, and Not the Non-Toxic Kind
A quick story. Little Armano liked the color blue. He liked the color blue so much he drank blue colored paint to be cool and because he liked the color. Soon he was drinking purple paint. “What’s the harm, ese?”, he would say. Soon, red paint and then orange. Things had gone off the rails. Armano was working as an illegal paint smuggler, smuggling BLACK paint across the border and doing poorly in school. If it wasn’t for the Canadian Mounties he might have ended up working at Sherwin Williams. Or worse.
They Bring Home F’s On Their Report Card
This is actually a very subtle one. There is a secret code that the average parent/orphanage owner might be shocked to hear about. Simply not getting kicked out of these classes is not the achievement it once was. Somewhere on the report card by or near the class names the child is still enrolled in are normally one of five possible letters: A,B, D, C, or F. These letters say more about your child’s performance at school than what you might think. The most important letter you need to know about is F. F stands for ‘Failure’. One or more of these on the report card means your child is a FAILURE. If this is the case do not go around saying anything good about your child, behind their back or to their face. This would be disingenuous.
You Don’t Have a “My Child Is an Honor Student” Bumper Sticker On Your Car Anymore
One morning you get up and start driving to work. Suddenly you brake a bit faster than usual and notice less drag. You get out to investigate. That’s when you notice it’s gone. The ever so important bumper stick that used to sit between your stick figure family and your Calvin peeing on something you don’t like decals is missing . That’s right, your “My Child is An honor Student” bumper sticker is gone. The whole reason it was there to begin with was because your child was doing so well in school. And it wouldn’t be missing if that was the case, now, would it? The school PTA would never have sold it to you if it wasn’t true. Should such a thing happen be sure to grill your child the moment they get home. It is an embarrassment to have such a bare spot on your car now, and finding faded Bernie Sanders 2016 stickers is near impossible.
They Ran Away From Home and Joined the Circus
The first thing that goes through everyone’s mind as they enter the circus is “What a bunch of losers. Why did I even bother showing up?” If your child has found employment with a pitiful band such as these then you should be concerned. 99% of people who work at the circus are elementary school dropouts. The other 1% are investigative reporters trying to uncover what really goes on under “The Big Top”. Your child isn’t an investigative reporter, though. We’re pretty sure of that.
Their Grades Are Suffering at Home
Usually a child’s grades at home reflect how well they are doing in school. A child who is constantly failing at the assignments you give them after school fails the ones given to them during school. A failure to earn your love usually corresponds with a failure to earn a promotion to the next school grade year level. A word of caution, do not alter the grading curve at home in a vain attempt to raise productivity at school. If we’ve learned anything from over-productive Japanese car factories it is this; a parent’s love should always be earned and never given willy-nilly. Arigato.
Mensa Has Rejected Them, Again
Let’s face it. It’s not hard to get into this “club”. You would have to be pretty stupid not to make it. Even people who need someone else to fill out the forms for them have a pretty good chance of getting in. But if your child has been rejected by this “Who’s Who of Everybody in the World”, then it just might be time to give up on them ever making it through school.
They Won’t Stop Screaming In Public
Your child is very loud. You don’t see real people screaming in public, do you? Except those who failed school. And children are just little-er… smaller versions of real people. If you want your child to stop failing at school then quiet them down while you are at the grocery store or eating out at the Applebees.
The future is bright except for the dark spot that is your kid. Your child is not bright. And that’s alright. But it’s not. Don’t be stupid and watch for these signs. I’m tired of putting up with stupid people and you need to do something about your stupid kid before they are old enough to stand in front of me in line at the Burger King.
- Lea Bickle
 Nobody said this WASN’T the case. – Oct. 2017
 Dr. Moops Outpost Medical Almanac – Jan. 1843