It’s tax season again and most of you have already filed your taxes. Oops! You should have waited until we posted this article before you made such a huge mistake. Sure, you’re getting your refund back quicker, but you will be making cents on the dollar because of your hasty decision. But never fear! Just bookmark this page for next year! Here are 9 Tips For Getting the BIGGEST Refund on Your Tax Return.
Write Off EVERYTHING!
You spent a lot of money this year. If you’re anything like me you probably spent all of it and then some. But guess what? You can write it all off. All you need are all of those receipts that you accrued over the past year. Write down everything you bought on your returns and send the receipts, too. While you’re at it write off the things you only dreamed of getting. That sports-car you always wanted? Write it off. That dream home in the Cayman Islands? Write it off, too! Believe me, your IRS agent doesn’t have time to look over all of these claims so he’s likely to just skip over it and take your word for it. Be creative and have fun!
File a Return in Someone Else’s Name
Look at all of that money you’re getting back on your own return. You want more? Then do it again. All you have to do is find someone who hasn’t filed their taxes yet and beat ‘em to it. And if everyone else has already filed just send your returns in again but under a different name. I’ve done this about four or five times already. The hardest part is coming up with a new name that sounds plausible. So if you opt for the latter of the two choices then don’t use the names I came up with so the IRS doesn’t get suspicious. These names are off limits: Rory Pruneface, Buddy Holly, Standfort P. Quailson, and Jeff Breeches.
Fudge a Decimal Point or Two
If you learn anything from tax professionals it’s that the IRS is pretty forgiving. Now, we don’t want to say to take advantage of this point, but the phrase “ask for forgiveness instead of permission” has never rang more true. There are so many dots in documents, who’s to say where everyone of them are supposed to go? Let’s just say your $100.00 return is “accidentally” sent in as $1000.0, that’s 900.0 extra dollars. What are they gonna do? Fine you? No problem you got an extra cool nine hundo. They could put you away for a while, but come on, that’s free room and board. Jackpot! It’s a win-win.
Marry Multiple People
Have you ever looked at a couple and realized by the way they act around each other that they only got married for the tax breaks? Well Mr. and Mrs. Bellamere had the right idea. The best way to reap the rewards of this benefit is to take full advantage of this loophole. Utah has no laws concerning polygamy and Nevada is just next door, where it’s practically illegal to NOT get married at a casino. You might be asking yourself “But what do I do with all of these wives I have just acquired? And can I write off the dowry?” My answer is a resounding “I don’t know. You’ll just have to figure that out on your own.” I’m a tax expert, not a marriage counselor.
“Donate” Your Years Wages to “Charity”
Get a dog, name it Charity, donate all your money to your dog, but the dog is yours, BAM! That money is yours too. And what kind of sickos would come after you for their money when you have “donated” it to “Charity”. They should be ashamed of themselves for asking money from someone who has gone through all that work to appear as if he was so altruistic as to appear to give all his earnings to the needy. Shame on the IRS indeed.
Don’t File Your Returns At All
Sometimes you end up owing “The Man” more money than anticipated. No matter how much you work the numbers Uncle Sam demands blood from this turnip head. So how do you get the biggest refund? Don’t file! It’s just as good as getting a refund. And the thrill of the unexpected visit from the IRS is well worth the money you should have been able to keep in the first place.
Claim Taxational Amnesty
You are a sovereign citizen and the Government should know this. Because you believe so deeply in your independence, the Government cannot deny your right to do what you truly believe in. It’s called the “First Amendment”. If you believe in something, you can claim it is an integral part of your own personal kooky religion, and that freedom is one no Governing body has ever been able to fight against in the whole history of everything. As Oprah once said “Believe in it and it will come true.”
Report People Who Cheat on Their Taxes for That Sweet Reward Money
Really, snitching should be its own reward. It’s what makes nations great. Well, not great, but oppressive for sure. If history has told us anything, telling on your friends and family for profit is a limited time offer. But it will be good to get in the practice before it becomes a requirement that failure to report will be worse than death, or just death. I for one believe that the IRS would never do anything to harm anyone, unless they deserve it. So cash in now, turn in the traitors, and get on the good side of the Government, the right side.
If All Else Fails, File For Extension After Extension Until the IRS Just Gives Up
The IRS is a busy syndicate and they don’t have time for your mind games. And the statue of limitations only lasts so long on filing your taxes. But they can’t prosecute you if they grant you an extension, which they are legally obliged to do if you ask for one. But don’t forget to file for further extensions once your current ones are about to expire. Keep it up, otherwise the IRS will come around the docks where you work and break your thumbs.
Follow these rules and you’ll be sure to get what’s coming to you. What’s your favorite way to embellish your taxes?
- Jeremiah Stern
Jeremiah Stern is a Releventist contributor and proud former H&R Block applicant. This is not sound financial or legal advice. All persons considering following steps outlined in this article should first seek financial, legal, and psychiatric council from a professional.