Move over, William Penn, looks like you’re being replaced. Quaker Oats, the beloved brand of oats has been a staple in every American cupboard for nearly a century and a half. In all that time the representation on the packaging has been relatively unchanged. The friendly face in the silly made up hat has always greeted us in the morning taking our minds off the fact that we were about to eat a bowl of weird inexpensive mush only tradition and poverty could incline us toward. But now that times have changed and our tolerance for eating unappetizing things for the sake of health is on the rise, the folks at Quaker Oats have decided to make a move into the 20th century.
“If you think about it we’ve had increasing competition growing in the cereal and breakfast food industry for decades. With the likes of the Trix Rabbit, the Honey Bee, and Sugar Bear, we decided it was time to update our image. I guess we should have chosen an animal as a mascot instead. Shoot…” – Becky Frankiewicz, General Manager of Quaker Oats Company.
No word yet on who (or what) will represent the beloved breakfast slop, but rumors and inside sources have pointed strongly in the general direction of a photo leaked exclusively to The Releventist.
“I think we’ve struck gold with our new ‘mascot’. We’ve sunk a lot of money on this new advertising campaign so don’t expect us to be changing things anytime soon. After all, it took us over 140 years to get to where we are now.”
The official unveiling of the new face of Quaker Oats has not been announced as of yet, but is expected to happen shortly after the inevitable death of Quaker Oats founder Henry Parsons Powell. Although his passing is expected “any time now” for the last 50 years, a strict Quaker lifestyle and a bowl of oats each morning has lead to a painfully long and healthy life for the cent-octogenarian. But once he has finally passed corporate board members will be free to do whatever they feel is necessary to dominate in the highly competitive breakfast foods market.
- Greg Long