It’s a New Year. And at the beginning of the new year we often look back on the old and take stock of how far we have come as well as where we are headed. But not all of us have made it this far. We at the Releventist want to look back at the Celebrities We Lost in 2017 (and Where They Might Be)
We are sad to say he is gone. Christopher Lloyd, of “Back to the Future 2” fame, has turned up missing. As of April, 2017, no one knows where he is. Representatives of the Releventist noticed his absence and started an investigation into his whereabouts. The first call was to the police who seemed to be uncooperative. Very suspicious. Our investigative team has taken to pure speculation and came up with only two places Mr. Lloyd might be. Either: 1. At his house, or 2. Somewhere else. We’ll see what 2018 brings. Hopefully it brings Christopher Lloyd back. We’ll see.
You are probably already familiar with the ongoing “Where is Paul?” campaign. But you might not know why. Paul McCartney, formerly of the Beatles fame, has gone missing. Showing up on the FBI’s most wanted list late last year, the man with the mop-top may be on the run, alone or with a band. Having dual citizenship and a completely unrecognizable face means he could be anywhere. At least in the U.K. or the U.S. For all we know he might have changed his name and face to how it originally was back in 1967 before taking over for the real Paul McCartney.
Lost in New York? AGAIN!? Not likely. Mac doesn’t do sequels. So where is this grown up child (celebrity)? The best guess we have is that he is keeping his head down, tending bar in Houston, Texas. It’s an all too common story for former child actors. They work hard as kids, gain fortune and fame, then when they get a little older, even though they are just as viable in the industry, they take their wisely invested millions and retire to the most fiscally free place they can find to live out their days in peace of mind. We don’t think Mac has left the country, otherwise our next guess would be a small but growing nation between the Croatian and Serbian borders called Liberland. Maybe one day he’ll make it there, but we’re pretty sure he’s doing just fine.
Dave Grohl is the living personification of a man always attempting to relive his heyday but never even coming close. It’s no wonder he has secluded himself so well that no one can find him. Ever since his departure from the band Scream, Mr. Grohl has tried to fill that void by joining and forming other bands with far less success, if you can count success as recapturing the bygone era that is your youth. It’s obvious that Nirvana and the Foo Fighters could never hold a candle to his first venture. Since the break up of the Foo Fighters in August of 2017 the only logical conclusion we can come to here at the Releventist is that Dave is hiding out on some tiny stage somewhere in the Nevada desert playing all his old songs from yesteryear and saving his money to buy a ticket to the micronation of Liberland.
The last 15 years have not been kind to poor Keanu. After being called out by fans over claims that he knew kung fu and embarrassing himself trying to prove it, Keanu Reeves has almost completely fallen off the radar. His lowest point was when a photo op was turned into a joke by the internet. But Hollywood, with it’s ever-forgiving attitude, gave Keanu a second chance with the John Wick series. Although it was a minor success it granted him enough money to go back into hiding. Our sources say that he left his apartment in L.A. in November and hasn’t returned. It is speculated that he has obtained a visa and might be making his way to a new home in the micronation of Liberland. It makes sense, as the climate in both southern California and eastern Europe is quite similar but without the population control problem California suffers from.
It is unsurprising that this wild-and-free spirit has been missing on the big Hollywood circuits lately. Aubrey Plaza is known for playing eccentric characters who don’t give a damn about what others think, but also cares about others and what they think. So it’s pretty obvious that where she might find herself would be a place that’s founded on the idea that “to each their own” but also “come on, let’s all just get along”. The Free Republic of Liberland, located on the Danube, adheres to these basic principles. And it wouldn’t be too crazy to think that you might find one “Aubrey Plaza” there.
With the end of the Harry Potter series came the end of J.K. Rowling’s career. Kids have moved on from Harry Potter and on to A Song of Ice and Fire. And it looks like this franchise is here to stay. J.K. Rowling should have payed attention to what George R.R. Martin did and add another initial to her name. That and she should have taken a few more years between books. Obviously disenfranchised, J.K. has moved on to start a new life, as she cannot seem to be found at that train station where Harry Potter lives. Surely an affluent woman of her stature can find a new start away from Hogwarts. Maybe in the small but developing nation of Liberland. We look forward to a postcard from you.
The Celtics don’t want him. Neither do the Pacers. And who could blame them? There is a reason Larry “the Bird” Bird doesn’t play basketball anymore. You can’t be very good if you were released from the Celtics. I think he realizes this. What other reason would he have for taking his life savings from playing for the NBA and making his way to Liberland? Liberland is the only place that a person like Larry Bird might find true kindred spirits such as the founder and current president Vít Jedlička.
Wherever he is it is slightly old fashioned, a little quirky, and very symmetrical. An antique clock store? Perhaps. But, you’ll have to forgive us if that seems too obvious. Nothing Wes Anderson does can be categorized as ‘obvious’. No. If you want to find him you’ll need to look in perhaps a recently founded micronation which is carefully and lovingly watched by the two generous and gracious nations which shares its borders.
Being an actor must be hard, thankless, low paying work. Just look at Betty White. The woman is in her 90’s and she only now has retired. At least we think she has. She won’t answer any calls from us anymore and refuses to answer the door. Surely she isn’t trying to avoid us. So she must be missing. Or has moved somewhere for her retirement, leaving no forwarding address. And the only reason she would do that is because she has moved to the micronation of Liberland, where though the address system has not been established, the view of the Danube is unparalleled.
“Dwayne” The Rock “Johnson”
The Rock, who sometimes goes by his alias “Dwayne Johnson”, has gone so far as to send his stunt double out to do his media tour for the upcoming movie “Jumanji: Jungle Fever”. It’s no secret that he has had strained relationships between his co stars. Being the fragile soul that he reportedly is, The Rock claimed he was taking some ‘me time’ in Serbia against the explicit orders of Sony Pictures. Last seen with a duffle bag of what we assume is filled with animal crackers, our best guess is that The Rock, fed up with all your ‘rules’, has made it to the freedom of Liberland and is now living in a libertarian paradise. At least that’s what I would do.
Some people you don’t realize are gone until you look up and they’re not there, Nick Cage is not one of those people. No matter how hard you don’t look up so as not to see him, he is always going on about being missing. Who wants to know where someone is if they are never gone long enough for you to go find them? The Nicholascagester is missing, but only in our hearts. Take a note from a movie I once saw, Mr. Cage, make an awesome set of clues and let other people find YOU. It will be so much cooler. By the way, that movie I was talking about, a little movie called “The Da Vinci Code”. Watch it. Movie night. This Tuesday. 7:00. Liberland Rec Center. Be there.
Most musicians play music as a hobby. Very few are successful enough to move out of their parents basements, much less make a career out of it. And Jimmy Page was no exception. But he stuck with it, spending his Saturday evenings playing in bars and on street corners. He finally got his break in the 1960’s when he conned his way into a performance group called The Led Zeppelins. Unfortunately this group broke up in 1980. Over the years Jimmy has tried his hand at numerous endeavours such as magic, acting, and real estate. We have lost all knowledge of where this rock star has gone this last year, but we think he has taken a led zeppelin over the hills and far away. To the beautiful Liberland. Where he will put his real estate skills to good use in this country that is only 2.7 square miles of stunning landscape.
The last we have seen of Sly Stone was in last years Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. Since then we’ve seen neither hide nor hair of the Italian Stallion. He hasn’t been seen anywhere on TV or the internet. And it’s kind of hard to miss a face like his. I mean, you have seen the man before, right? Though there have been claims of his sighting around it’s pretty obvious after looking into said sightings that it was just his brother, Frank, doing a poor job standing in for him. So where could he have gone? Sylvester Stallone has always had a knack for keeping his movie projects a secret, as the filming locations are always more exotic in nature. But we have a feeling that he has made a more permanent move overseas. Perhaps to the beautiful micronation of Liberland, where the best of Croatian and Serbian cultures mix with the noble principles of freedom and liberty for all.
This article was brought to you in part by the Free Republic of Liberland Volunteer Tourism Council.