Let’s face it. The diet of most Americans hasn’t changed much ever since the Great Dietary Standardization of 1957. And even though most are overwhelmingly happy with the standard choices of food available, for the good of the nation, there must be a change in how we eat. Here is a list of 7 Foods You Need to Stop Eating Right Now!
Who doesn’t love a fine dessert after a wonderful dinner? No one, that’s who. But according to scientific research it seems that everyone’s favorite after dinner treat may be dangerous. Yellowcake, a staple of family mealtimes for over 40 years, contains over 5000 milligrams of radiation per serving, over twice the recommended daily allotment by the FDA. In light of this new information there has been a cultural shift to other color cakes as of late. Cakes such as Red Velvet, Green Mint, and Blue Coconut. Though not as appetizing these have proven to be a safer alternative to yellowcake.
The word ‘food’ in the name for this product is what throws most people for a loop. If you want to refine your palate some then try this experiment: blindfold yourself, then find a friend to put two plates in front of you, one with dog food, the other with a bowl of soup. See if you can smell the difference. If you can’t then it’s time to lay off the dog food. Instead try a can of “Fancy Feast”. Not only is it actual food but it’s also a classy alternative. So good even cats like it!
Food that’s been on the floor for more than 5 seconds
Come on, people. There’s been a rule on the books about this for years now. It is unbecoming of a person to pick up ANY food from off the ground after 5 seconds and eat it. Even it’s an open-face peanut butter sandwich that fell topside down. As an alternative to eating 5 second floor food try 4 second floor food. Or even 3 second floor food.
Eww. Gross. I’d rather eat styrofoam. I can’t even look at it.
Flipper is faster than lightning in more ways than one. This fish will make its way through your digestive system faster than you can say “Help! I’m in trouble and near the ocean! Save me, Water Lassie!” A good alternative would be the common variety whale. Whale is a difficult find because of its elusive nature, which makes the noble whaler work that much harder for his handsome salary. If you come across any reasonably priced bushels of whale, buy as much as your budget will allow.
Too many people have been sent to the emergency room after pranksters set this delicious treat aflame. A main dish from the Pacific Northwest, this delicacy gets most of its delicate flavor from petroleum jelly. But it also makes this now widely consumed dish an extreme hazard best suited for the professional fire eater. But never fear. A fine alternative to serve your clergyman when he visits for home confession and penance is the Raw Wyoming, a plate of curdled goat whey.
With only 43 left in the world, we are running out of this precious natural resource. The Fabergé, a bird found only in Czarist Russia, is thought to have gone extinct almost 100 years ago. There are hopes that one of these eggs will hatch to carry on where it’s parents fell short, in keeping this species alive and suppressing Communism everywhere. If you’re in the mood for an expensive, irreplaceable work of art try a Coolidge Poker Dog instead. Canvas can be a difficult ingredient to get right, but the proper amount of basil will bring out the snooty tones you were looking for.
You might be hesitant to stray from a government mandated diet, but these reasonably small tweaks to your everyday eating habits might certainly give you a more healthy life. After all, a miserable diet is a healthy diet. Bon appétit and try to enjoy your meal.
- Lea Bickle