The leaves are falling from off the trees. The air is cooling down. Carved pumpkins are on the doorsteps of homes for some reason. And cauldrons everywhere are filled with candy. Halloween is upon us. And so are monsters. Once a year these surprisingly short, monstrous monstrosities bang on my door and start screaming incoherently. Here is a list of the 10 Scariest Monsters to prepare you for this dreaded night.
This man bites the necks of people and drinks their blood. He was a real, living person at one point in history but now is dead. And that is what makes him scary. He’s dead and still roams the streets looking to eat people’s blood. Watch out for anyone wearing white make-up with long fangs speaking in a Hungarian accent.
Frankenstein (both of them)
I don’t know which one is which, but both of these guys are scary. The guy that made the other one yells and yells and is kinda boring so I don’t know why I put him on here. But the real one you should be scared of has a flat head and was once dead, but brought back to life by the other Frankenstein. And he’s a bunch of other people that have been sewn together, too. I think he fought Dick Tracey once. He must have won because no one seems to talk about Dick Tracy anymore. But everybody knows exactly who Frankenstein is.
The history of toilet paper extends as far back as the ancient Egyptian mummies. When the Egyptian czars died the people would wrap them in toilet paper and put them in the sphinx. And when anyone tried to steal their gold or the sphinx got too full or something then these guys would come back from the dead and start walking around. It’s very unnerving and I don’t like it.
Ghosts wouldn’t be so scary if only you couldn’t see them. What can they do that’s so bad? Move your furniture around? I like redecorating every now and then. Turn the temperature down? I like it cooler. Besides, it’s Fall. It’s supposed to be cold. But seeing them is scary; they are supposed to be dead. Just be dead already, you stupid ghost! That’s why they make this list.
Hold onto your brains… they’re back from the dead! What could be more scary than that? I couldn’t tell you. Death might be a scary idea in the first place, but I’ll tell you what, coming back from it might be too much for me to handle.
He’s a small, green, weird looking kid, who I understand died in one movie and kept on showing up. If something like that doesn’t know when enough is enough, I don’t need it showing up at my house demanding candy and scaring the bejeezus out of me.
Friday the 13th is a stupid movie franchise that should stay dead. But it keeps coming back to life with newer, better, but still not good enough, installments. And there are so many kids who run around dressed as an homage to this loser that I fear for our future. Even our beloved hockey goalies have started dressing like him.
That Skeleton That Holds That Knife Stick Thing
What’s his name? I can’t remember and I have a deadline. That’s it! That’s his name! Deadline! I think it’s Deadline… Well he wears a black robe and also has an hourglass. You know the guy.
I thought this guy only came back from the dead during the full moon. But it seems he appears during Halloween, too. Great. Why does he do what he does, anyway? It makes no sense. “I’m gonna turn you into a werewolf, too, and I get no benefit from it.” Stupid. But scary.
The book Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is written by a guy who’s dead, but guess what, he still lives on with this classic tale about a guy who dies at the end. And if we have learned anything from this list of monsters it’s that anything that is dead but not really is really really scary. Don’t show up at my house dressed as the freak who wrote this book, any of the characters in the book, or the book itself.
All of these things are scary. I don’t like these monsters and I don’t like Halloween. Dead things should stay dead. I wish it was November already. And I’m not crying, you are.
- Aaron Sanders