11 Difficult Truths About The Last Jedi

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Another installment of Star Wars in upon us. Here at TheReleventist there are some nerds that like Star Wars and some regular people who don’t get it. But we all have to pitch in and get this stupid thing written because there are a lot of other nerds who want to read about mindless nonsense. Mine are numbers 6 and 9 and the only ones that matters. Here are 11 Difficult Truths About The Last Jedi.

  1. The Last Jedi Came in $170,000,000 Under Budget

    George Lucas was the fourth richest man in America when he decided to sell Star Wars to Disney, the third disney_moneyrichest company in America. And when Disney acquired not just Star Wars, but all of that Lucas money, too, we all knew that Star Wars would become the most expensive movie franchise ever. But reports from The Releventist have indicated that Disney hasn’t spent as much money on the newest installment of everyone’s favorite movie series as they could have. With over 123 billion dollars at their disposal it’s a wonder why Disney has decided to spend such paltry sums on such a beloved franchise, letting the quality slip into that of “blockbuster” status. Hopefully they won’t make this mistake again. – TV

  2. The Main Villain is Defeated When the Ghost of Anakin Skywalker Tells Rey to “Hit the Nose”

    If there is one thing people hate, it is references and self-references. Nobody likes to be reminded of the past and everyone hates having to reach into the recesses of their minds to understand why someone did something or said something. And this is no exception. About 20 years ago Anakin Skywalker told a much younger Rey to hit a robot on the nose to defeat it or something like that. Now he’s saying to do it again. You would think that after such a long time this (suspected) robot would have learned to defend itself from such an old style of attack. Whatever. -TV

    hit_the_nose
    Anakin to Rey: “Hit the nose.”
  3. The Six Pronged Lightsaber Just Doesn’t Work

    Don’t get me wrong, it looks cool and if you can suspend disbelief for a regular lightsaber then this is no problem. However, the fighting style it would take to wield such a weapon would require a Jedi/Sith with unbelievable skill, which is no problem with the older and wiser Luke Skywalker, or the ultimately cool Kylo Ren. The problem is 6. Really? 6 prongs seems a little obvious. ‘Order 66’, the “Sinister Six Siths”, ordering “…Six death sticks, please” at the bar, it’s all a little heavy handed. You think 6 is a cool number for cool bad guys. Don’t be so obvious. Let the audience figure out who is bad and good by the end of the film, don’t beat them over the head with such blatant symbolism. That’s not what Star Wars is about. -ASsix_pronged_light_saber

  4. George Lucas is NOT Stan Lee and Needs to STOP Showing Up in the Background

    The two fathers of their respective franchises have been pulling this stunt for years. Lucas started the tradition inadvertently when he wandered through the podrace scene in The Phantom Menace (1999). No matter how much George tried to play it off in the DVD commentary, it is very obvious that the appearance was a complete accident. While Stan Lee took the idea and made it better, as he has always done (go Stan!), Lucas decided to double down on the embarrassing incident and inserted himself into scenes in all Star Wars related media since. -TVlucas-background

  5. Luke and Leia Still Haven’t Learned They Were Adopted By Darth Vader

    Who can forget the famous line from The Empire Strikes Back when Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are fighting? Vader says that Luke was never told what really happened to his father, Luke says that Darth killed him. Darth Vader replies “No, I am your father,” (Spoiler alert). Luke then interrupts Darth Vader by screaming “No!” much to our amusement. And then trips off the balcony. Darth Vader was meant to say that he adopted both Luke and Leia after he killed their fathers at the Jedi academy in Revenge of the Sith. The scene was cut from the film and script so Luke and Leia may now never learn the truth. Although it has been alluded to in that famous scene when they kiss that they were never blood related, the actual words have yet to be said on screen. -LBhappy family questionmark

  6. This is Just a Re-Working of “Star Wars” (1977)

    What more can be done with the characters Han Solo, Leia Organa, Luke Skywalker, R2-D2, C-3PO, Chewbacca, Ben Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda, Darth Vader, Greedo, and the rest on a Death Star? Not much. Best we figure there is nothing else that can be done unless you’re on the level of Shakespeare, who used only the same four characters in all of his films. But George Lucas is no Shakespeare, aside from the vast amounts of wealth. Okay, let me give it to you straight. The movie is going to open with the same stupid words flying through space again. There is going to be a laser and a sword made out of a laser. Then more space. Sound familiar, yet? They should take a hint from the Fast and the Furious guys and make something cool and original. -BM

    Star_Wars_original
    Which one is this from? Who can tell?
  7. John Williams Has Lost His Touch

    We all knew that John Williams was a musical genius the moment we heard Princess Leia’s Theme for the first time. Those banjo’s still ring in our ears. Yet, as the old saying goes, genius must not last. We have heard the music for the upcoming The Forces Awakens movie and we are not impressed. Mr. Williams, first of all, has added slide whistles every time a character falls down in the movie. Which is very often. Disney must have payed a lot in royalties to Raymond Scott, as well, in light of the fact that John Williams is using a blatant ripoff of ‘Powerhouse’ as C-3PO and R2-D2’s themes. And why he took out the chorus singing along with the characters lines, we’ll never know. The the most telling sign of John Williams losing his touch is his overuse of casio settings in the themes. Welcome to the 21st century, Mr. Williams, now take a few steps back to the 19th. (btw: There’s no need to end every scene with “Shave and a Haircut”. Those are my two-bits.) -LBjohn williams

  8. My Fanfic Version “The Final Force” Would Have Made a Much Better Movie

    This one surprises even me. Everyone who’s read part of it so far has said how good it is. I don’t want to spoil you on it, considering that it’s so good that it could still be made if it gets to the right people. Now, I will admit, it’s a little slow at the beginning, but the twist at the end makes it all worth it, so keep reading. Oh, and just go with me on the midichlorian thing, there’s a good explanation about it on page 52, and the payoff is… well you’ll see. Let’s just say you never would have guessed how good a scene with Obi-Wan, Boba Fett, trapped, in an escape pod would be. I also think the little bit of narration toward the end explains how much Luke really cared for Han, and it’s all delivered in a way that only Yoda could. It’s only 240 pages, so read it and tell me what you think. FYI, do you know anyone who looks like Mark Hamhill who would be interested in making a perfessional looking fanfilm? -TVfinal_force_best_excerpt

  9. Refusal On the Part of Disney/Lucas to Provide Enough Merchandise Causes Fans to Spend Money On Paying Student Loan Debts

    luke skywalker kenner action figureJust because all nerds wear glasses doesn’t mean they don’t all have jobs at NASA. It takes a lot of money to get to NASA, and a lot of imagination. Something nerds don’t have. That and money. They had to borrow it to go to nerd school to get those jobs. But now they spend all their time working and buying Star Wars toys. So, where are all the Star Wars toys? Answer, there are none. Not for this movie, anyway. Now those nerds are using their money to pay back that money they borrowed. If these nerds knew anything, they would know that if they defaulted on their loans, they wouldn’t have to pay any of it back. How is handing a bunch of money over to the greedy banks going to help the economy? Thanks a lot, Kenner. -BM

  10. Star Wars Has Become Too Violent and a Boys Club

    Here at TheReleventist we don’t know what they are doing at the Star Wars ranch, but gone are the days of reyprincesses and kissing before romantically swinging on a rope across a chasm. It is apparent that Disney has no interest in replacing all male characters with overly-powered, unbeatable female heroines. They have left in so many boy characters that it’s hard to concentrate on the empowering new powerful girls, I mean women. There are a few new feminine characters like Rey, Kylo Ren, and Maz Kanata which is a step in the right direction, but come on Disney, what’s the point in having one female character if they can’t all be female? How am I supposed to relate? -LB

  11. Han Solo Had to be Recast Due to His Death in “Star Wars – The Force Awakens”

    In case you haven’t seen it, Han Solo is killed during The Force Awakens by… I can’t remember his name… Darth Junior or something like that. This was a mistake. Nobody saw it coming, especially Han Solo. Who DIED. In order to fix this mistake Lucas is going to need to get someone who looks like Han Solo FAST because this movie is coming out very soon. -AShan solo death

Don’t listen to Bill, Star Wars is cool. His contribution was stupid and his parents are divorced. Oh, and Bill, you don’t get to write the foreword to group articles anymore, so grow up. -LB

 

  • Bill Matson
  • Thom Vales
  • Lea Bickle
  • Aaron Sanders

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